Will you be my Goliath?

Scary, violent dream last night. I never got to see the end of it. My mind wouldn’t let it continue when it started getting really frightening. When I woke up, I literally didn’t want to move; I was that freaked out. I think I must have been sleep talking (possibly yelling; my parents claim to have heard me) because my throat was hurting. Here’s a replay:

Someone is after me, trying to kill me. He’s stalking me and leaving all these macabre reminders around my house, like the knife that my parents were killed with, still with blood on it (getting to that later). I never touch the items he leaves, and I have a careful record for the police of everything that happens. I live alone in a really big stone house in a cul-de-sac. My neighbors are always looking out for me.

So I’m in the front yard and talking to my neighbors when one notices that the knife in my yard has been moved. I realize it was him, and that he’s been on my property in the last couple hours. Naturally that scares the crud out of me. Two of my friends (a guy around my age, muscled and tall with features I can’t remember anymore and a tall skinny guy) offer to help. The house has a huge security fence that can only be operated from inside the systems perimiter, so we close it and go inside.

We go upstairs and start talking. I tell him the story of my parents that happened 2 years before this. Apparently we once had a friend and employee of my dad that lived with us. It was graduation and my parents never showed up to the ceremony. I went home angry and found them both dead in my Dad’s office. The friend had snapped and killed my parents. Apparently I had helped figure it out and I had forgiven him.

After I tell the story we decide to leave and go someplace I won’t be looked for. The muscley guy made a comic book reference to some villian that was like my stalker-guy. I asked him who could defeat that villian and he referenced a superhero. I asked him if he’d be my superhero and took his hand. It was such a sweet moment! So we’re walking to the door and I open it and realize immediately what’s wrong. The fence is open. We had left it closed and it could only be opened from the inside. The stalker had been inside the fence the whole time.

So I slam the door and run from it. I yell for he skinny guy to lock it and he does. So me and buff guy are running to the phone to call the police. I pick up the phone and put it up to my ear but somehow it’s already on. Stalker had come in the house when I was upstairs and called his cell phone from my phone so they were connected. I put the phone to my ear and immediately hear his breathing and I feel like I can’t breathe.  On the phone he says in one of those deep creepy voices: You can either live in fear and endanger your friends… or you can come out and die…

And then I woke up. I really couldn’t move, even though I was in an uncomfortable spot. My throat hurt and more than anything I wouldn’t let myself get anywhere near sleep for fear I’d go back into the dream. Even going over it now in writing is a little freaky. Why are my dreams so disturbing lately?

Maybe I’ll just not sleep?

Random thoughts

My knee is doing so much better. I’m only in physical therapy once a week now! The scar is ugly, but I suppose that’s a small price to pay for a working knee. I’m still adjusting to having my brace off and being able to walk. In a few week I might be able to actually work out!

I should have gone to the higher education rally in salt Lake. It starts in 10 minutes. I hadtime to get ready and go this morning, but I haven’t been sleeping well and my knee hurts. Lame excuses, I know, and I feel bad about them but not bad enough to translate into action. Hopefully the rally goes well. Unfortunately even if it does go well, scholarships at USU will be nil next year. Maybe I’ll have to reconsider a few things.

TGIF

Extreme Bruising

This should seriously be a new sport because how often do you see this kind of bruising? Hardcore.

12-20-08 bruised foot

Bruises on outside of leg 12-20-08

12-20-08 documents of the bruising on my leg

Bruising 12-20-08

Today’s pictures

Pictures taken 12-19-08

A note about the bruising: Apparently the massive bruising I’m getting isn’t a bad thing. When the large amounts of fluid my knee have been storing start moving out, the sheer volume of it is what causes the bruises. So the bruises indicate that my knee is finally starting to empty some fluid.

The swelling in my left foot is almost gone! 12-19-08

A new bruise that developed overnight; 12-19-08

Left leg view, 12-19-08

Left leg long view 12-19-08

Comparing knees, 12-19-08

Now how is this fair?

After my surgery I got a prescription for lortab 7.5/500mg. It works pretty well on the pain but unfortunately it has been giving me these unbelievably painful headaches. So all of yesterday I had to decide between crippling knee pain and a headache I couldn’t stand. Real fair.

I got a prescription of percoset today. I’m hoping that this will work without the same side effects because without medicine the pain is basically unbearable. I had physical therapy again today and I did fairly well. I’m hoping my muscle doesn’t atrophy too much more because it’s going to take a lot of time to build it back up.

It’s snowing! It looks absolutely beautiful outside. I’m so glad that we’ll get a white Christmas this year. I won’t be able to do anything in the snow, but it’s a good feeling to have it around. I’ve almost got my mom convinced to drive me around tonight to look at Christmas lights. I hope it works out, although the roads are fairly slick today. It gets pretty lonely being tuck in my room most of the time, but getting out for therapy helped a little.

Pictures from the 17th and 18th

Here’s some new pictures from the 17th and 18th of December.

12-17-08 comparison

12-17-08 full leg view

Scar after tape got removed, 12-18-08

Scar after tape removal and bruising on lower leg, 12-18-08

Working toward recovery, day 2.

I had my first session of phyiscal therapy today. The best explanation of what physical therapy is like is this: They just cut you open and screwed up every part of your knee and then ask you to walk it off. It was painful, but I did better than I expected to. I actually have better range of motion than anyone expected and I retained a small amout of quad strength. A few times a week I have to go in to physical therapy and work on getting my knee back to normal. It’s going to be a very long process.

The nerve block they used to make my leg numb is wearing off. My muscle keeps firing, which feels a lot like a constant muscle twitch. It’s not necessarily painful, especially since I’ve been trying to get a good med schedule, but it’s weird. Speaking of pain pills, I’m still searching for a balance that relieves enough pain without making me completely loopy. Yesterday I think I overdid the pills a little and time went in strange intervals. At first it would race and then move really slowly. Today has been better, I’ve actually only taken one dose total even though I could have taken more. I think I’m going to take some a little later since the pain is beginning to come back. Hopefully this process doesn’t go as slow as it’s feeling.

Surgical report

So I’m finally home. I had the surgery on Monday. The took me in for my femoral nerve block about 12:15 pm, I went in for actually surgery somewhere around 1pm, and I woke up in the recovery room a little after 4pm. My surgeon said everything went great. I went into my hospital room, they checked the bandages and I only had a small spot of blood on my bandages. About half an hour later they were getting ready to send me home and were routinely checking my bandages for blood when we realized my wounds had actually bled through the bandages and onto the hospital bed. I had to stay overnight in the hospital in order to prevent compartment syndrome. During the night my blood pressure dropped dangerously low (60’s/40’s) and my nurses, Sarina and Jeff and I had to work on getting fluids in me to get it back up in order to prevent the need for a possible blood transfusion. It was a pretty tumultuous stay in the hospital, but we had gotten everything normal enough for me to go home Tuesday morning. I have some crazy swelling and some new scars, but I made it home. Now the hard stuff begins.

My IV they put in for my surgery

Before my surgery in the hospital.

1st picture of my knee post-op

First sign that trouble was developing

The bleeding that caused me to stay overnight in the hospital

The drain in my leg and blood bandages

New scars 12-15-08

scars after the bleeding slowed

12 and counting.

It’s strange, I’m less scared today than I have been the last couple of weeks. Maybe part of it is all the reassurance I’ve been getting. I have some seriously great people around me. John and Jerry came over, even though they didn’t have to. They’re so great to my family, and me. My family is just great. It’s been really nice having everyone around me. Maybe being home for the semester isn’t going to be so bad. Maybe this really is what I was supposed to do, despite all the doubt I’ve been going through.  Maybe that’s what faith is really about.

Tomorrow’s the day. I’ll have pictures as soon as I can take them. Posting might take longer since I won’t have my laptop, but they’ll find there way here eventually.

Under the 48 hour mark.

Man, I’m really going to miss my job. Well, maybe not the actual job so much, but definitely the people. It’s funny, I’ve only worked there for a few months and we all agreed that it felt like so much longer. It’s hard to find people you can really be yourself around and it’s really hard to leave that.

We finally got some snow today. It’s almost mid-December and we haven’t really had snow at all. I might get around to taking some pictures. We practiced for the church choir this morning and I had to carry the whole section since only a couple of altos showed up. I really hope that more show up for the other practices and actual performance. Best Year Ever is on today. It’s amazing how normal my life is when I’m kind of freaking out inside. Maybe after the next 48 hours normal will be hard to come by.

Well I guess I’m headed out to go grocery shopping, I’d better appreciate normal while I can have it.